Santa Clarita, CA – In a shocking twist that has left local Facebook groups reeling, the beloved and oft-repeated jokes, “Is this a brown recluse?” and “Porto’s!” were found dead in what officials are labeling a tragic murder-suicide.

The grim discovery was made by a group moderator, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s a devastating loss for our online community,” the moderator lamented. “These jokes were a staple of every thread in our group. It’s hard to imagine a future without them.”

The Santa Clarita Sheriff’s Department is investigating the incident but isn’t ruling out a larger conspiracy. “We’ve taken ‘Hart High Indians Forever!!!!’ and ‘We need another hospital!!!!!’ comments into protective custody,” announced Captain Justin Diez in a press briefing. “We can’t yet determine whether this is part of a coordinated effort to eliminate overused references or if the tragic demise of the Spider and Porto’s jokes was due to a personal conflict. More details will be shared as the investigation continues.”

Group moderators have promised to announce details of a memorial service at a later date.

Jerome Horwitz

Jerome Horwitz is a Santa Clarita native. His family traces their lineage all the way back to the 1960s when his grandparents moved to the area to start a farm in what is now Castaic Lake. Growing turnips proved unfeasible below water, so they got out of farming and started a donut shop specializing in Bear Claws. Jerome enjoys watching paint dry, and lurking in local Facebook groups.