Santa Clarita, CA – In a shocking yet somehow entirely predictable twist, the beloved niche website, the Santa Clarita Valley Advance Post Times, is now up for sale. The current owners, after a series of increasingly desperate attempts to keep the site afloat, have decided to throw in the towel and sell to the highest bidder. “We’ve exhausted all our options—our content pipeline has dried up, ChatGPT has blocked us, all the good writers left for Hard Times or The Onion, and we can’t even scrape together enough Dogecoins for basic website hosting past the end of October,” stated a memo sent to the site’s 400,000 employees.

Longtime readers—or at least the two that are left—might recall that this isn’t the first time the site has changed hands. “This time it’s different,” claimed the anonymous owner, who’s likely the same guy who’s been running this operation from his mom’s basement. “The original founders have all moved on to more glamorous careers—like making TikToks about cryptocurrency—and I’ve failed spectacularly at recruiting new writers. We’ve officially hit the end of the runway. I thought I could give the site the love, attention, and occasional snack breaks it needed to thrive, but life—or more accurately, my lack of stable income from injury lawsuits at big-box retailers—got in the way. The site’s been gathering dust for months, and I’m officially tapped out of both cash and motivation.”

In what can only be described as a last-ditch, hail-Mary, “someone please take this off my hands before my mom finds out I’m not paying rent” effort, the current owner is hoping to find a buyer who can give the site the care and feeding it so desperately needs. Otherwise, it risks being consigned to the digital graveyard, or worse, being taken over by sketchy spam sites like the fate of The SCV Proclaimer and HometownStation.com.

So, if you’re looking for a passion project that involves endless hours of unpaid labor, a dwindling audience, and the occasional existential crisis—this might just be the opportunity of a lifetime!

Serious inquiries for buying the site can be submitted to [email protected]

SCVAPT Contributor