According to a study conducted by city staff, recent data has shown that Santa Clarita’s biggest contribution to the world economy are 30-year-olds with a decade of community college and zero ambition under their dorito-dusted belts.
“Here at College of the Canyons, our students ripen slowly, like a fine wine,” said Chancellor Dianne Van Hook. “And, as long as they are here accumulating parking tickets, we will be pumping them out one half-assed attempt at a time.”
With a surplus of these “well-rounded” individuals, businesses in the surrounding community can expect to see applicants with a myriad of negligible knowledge.
“So far, at least five millennials applying for the management position have claimed that half of a counseling degree and half of a wine studies degree equals one whole medical degree,” said Roger E. Seaver, CEO of Henry Mayo Hospital. “Then, one offered to align my chakras half way through the interview.”
The college expects to graduate 30 students in the spring, with 19,970 students circling the drain until fall 2030.