Saugus — Local marriage traditionalists are up in arms today at the sight of a couple celebrating Pride Month. “Frankly, it’s immoral, offensive to god, and should be outlawed,” said local shock-jock and Hart School Board Member Joe Messina at the sight of a same-gender couple walking along the paseos in Valencia, “I don’t have a problem with them living their lives, just don’t call their icky behavior marriage. It’s a sacred institution!” Messina added, while clutching his pearls.
The vocal outrage comes on the heels of the City Council’s decision to declare June “Pride Month.” Marriage traditionalists believe the proclamation “legitimizes” equality, and are expected to show up in numbers — possibly a bakers dozen — at the next city council meeting to voice their opposition.
Supporters of the proclamation, many of whom are unexpectedly not cartoonishly flamboyant with their homosexuality, welcome the move by the city. “Oh really? Neat” said one man seen walking with his partner at Valencia Town Center mall. When prodded for a more inflammatory comment, the man continued “yeah it doesn’t really change anything for us. We live in California, the city offering a proclamation like this in the year 2019 is at best an attempt to placate a vocal group so the council gets fewer emails about it, and at worst a frog realizing the water is boiling. Honestly, it’s a bit embarrassing it took this backwoods city so long to catch up to 2008.”