Culinary Critique: Local Souped-Up Civic Owner Reviews SCV’s Hottest Legal Opiates

Searching for the right balance of flavor and fulfillment is something I find to be a unique challenge. Depending on the esculent experience you are seeking, choosing the right source and cultivation of your preferred substance is key. 

Some might think that in Santa Clarita it would be difficult to get crunched, dankrupt, lit, faded; but, lucky for this reviewer, all of the methods I need to get “on the choongs” are … on the books.

Join this contraband connoisseur in blaming that bud for all of our problems and exploring the true authentic tastes of Santa Clarita.

1.       Hillbilly Heroin (Oxy)

Let’s get one thing straight: you just can’t fake that heroin taste. But doctor-prescribed OxyContin definitely comes close. It is the essence of the Awesometown experience. This drug pairs well with lying down in the riverbed after every public space has declared you unwelcome and stripped you of your humanity. Bon appétit, boys!

2.       Fentanyl

No, this isn’t the full name for Rhianna’s makeup brand. However, it is a powder that has the capability to make you feel like a Grammy Award-winning singer. Fake an ache, and they’ll toss you some China White –  easy. 

3.       Kratom

Does 7/11’s coffee have you wishing you were face down in a sandbox hallucinating about buried treasure? Yeah, me too. Regular ol’ Folgers is definitely a grind (pun intended). Instead of grinding beans, grind some legally unsafe psychedelic leaves into your hot water. This quick and far-too-easy drugstore purchase pairs well with lifetime of chronic unemployment, succeeded by spurts of Little Caesar’s gigs.

4.       Salvia

As our supreme, swollen councilmember Bob Kellar once said: “There will be no smoking dope in Santa Clarita.” It’s a good thing that Salvia barely makes the cut! In fact, this psychedelic wonder pairs nicely with a four-hour long city council meeting. Or any meeting, for that matter. Take a drag in your Honda Civic before entering city hall, and then stare B.K. right in the face as you experience the real fruits of the town we call home. 

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