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Local Man Overestimates Size of His “Influence”

Newhall – Students, Parents, and Grandmother Bigots gathered Wednesday night to hear a presentation on a so-called “Parental Notification” policy. The policy discussion topic was requested to be placed on the Hart School District Board Agenda by Racists, Homophobic, and Transphobic locals at the behest and encouragement of “Dollar Store Alex Jones” radio host and Hart Board member Joe Messina.

“I think it’s important for parents to know everything about their children,” said Messina, stepping out of the garden in which he normally stands, “Teachers shouldn’t be keeping secrets about their children. If they decide to go against god and choose a different name or gender at school, the parent should be informed immediately.”

The geriatric crowd of pro-forced-outing was met with heavy resistance from district parents and students who voiced their concern over the potential fallout from such a policy. “Do you want dead kids? This is how you get dead kids,” said one student speaker, “If your kids don’t come out to you, that’s a skill issue. Maybe don’t be a shitty parent that forces your queer child into the closet, or worse.”

One unnamed non-local-resident pro-forced-outing speaker, seen swaddled in an American Flag, was seated in the front row, live streaming his commentary on each opposing speaker to his Instagram audience of nearly half a dozen Nazis. “You believe this shit fam? They really out here trying to force drugs on kids to be a different gender and take them away from their families,” the man said, seemingly lacking basic comprehension of reality, “These motherfuckers needs to get right with God yo. Jesus himself gave you a dick for a reason, he wants you to have a vergina (sic). So get back to the kitchen already.”

Another octogenarian speaker in favor of the forced outing policy spent her two minutes rambling about pharmaceuticals and – well, we’re not actually sure. The meeting transcription for her portion of the meeting reads: “They’re just forcing these kids to take pharmaceuticals, let the kids be energetic and have fun! [Unintelligible] and you know who profits from all of this? [unintelligible] THAT’S RIGHT! BIG PHARMA! [Unintelligible] SO HOW DARE YOU [unintelligible]. Protect the Children! [unintelligible, something about California succession]”

After the meeting, Joe Messina returned to his home garden awaiting local wildlife urine.