Valencia – In light of the renewed indoor mask mandate, a group of boomers is now protesting the requirements. “This is a violation of our rights! They can’t force me to smudge my lipstick!” said one woman, who refused to give her name, outside a local restaurant, “It’s up to the EMPLOYEES to serve ME not nissan versa!”

The aging middle-class white people, who were gifted a booming economy and benefitted directly from the largest ever intergenerational transfer of wealth, are upset over mitigation efforts to thwart a deadly virus at the heart of the current pandemic. “Newsome, or as I call him NEWSOLLINI, has gone too far!” read one comment on a Facebook post. Locals are organizing a letter-writing campaign, in addition to their weekly parades-of-privilege in lifted trucks with profanity-laden flags. Organizers urge supporters to write their elected representatives, declaring their refusal to wear masks, and citing Russian-backed disinformation websites that back up their position. The letters also revise history, cite feelings in lieu of facts, and demonstrate a lack of fundamental science literacy.

Local minimum wage employees – baristas, restaurant waitstaff, retail workers, and grocery store clerks – are not looking forward to bearing the brunt of the outrage and suffering the consequences from the decisions of a death cult.

Louis Feinberg

Louis Feinberg was born and raised in Santa Clarita. After a brief stint being stuck on the 14 freeway trying to leave, he gave up and now resides in Newhall with his 11 cats. In his free time, he can be found behind Valencia Lanes taste-testing paint for lead.