In a groundbreaking move toward so-called inclusivity, California lawmakers have passed a bill mandating that all new homes constructed in the Golden State must include at least one gender-neutral bathroom. Yes, you heard that right. Equality Social Justice Warriors in Sacramento are not content with merely addressing societal issues, so they’ve decided to tackle the perplexing dilemma of bathrooms in our very own houses. Move over, pressing concerns like the economy, education, or infrastructure. Bathrooms are where the true battles of justice are fought!

The bill, aptly named the “Potty Parity for Palatial Places” (PPP), is hailed as a monumental achievement for the progressive movement. According to its proponents, it will ensure that no bathroom discriminates against any gender identity, including those yet to be discovered by the scientific community.

State Senator Erin DeLoo, the visionary behind this historic legislation, proudly declared, “We refuse to let the oppression of binary bathrooms continue! Our homes should be safe havens of inclusivity, where every gender can answer nature’s call without feeling marginalized.” When asked about other pressing issues such as homelessness or skyrocketing rent prices, DeLoo responded, “Well, those issues may affect a larger portion of the population, but we must prioritize the truly critical matters like bathroom equity. It’s about making a statement!”

The PPP bill’s opponents argue that it further burdens homebuilders and infringes on personal property rights. “We’re all for equal rights, but does this mean we’ll have bathroom police inspecting our homes now?” exclaimed one exasperated homeowner. “And what about families with multiple bathrooms? Shouldn’t we be focusing on more pressing matters, like fixing our crumbling infrastructure or addressing the housing crisis?”

Nevertheless, the bill passed with overwhelming support from the majority in the state legislature, who were eager to prove their unwavering commitment to progressivism. The bill’s supporters were seen celebrating outside the Capitol, holding up signs that read, “Bathrooms Unite! Flush the Patriarchy!” while chanting, “No gender, no problem!”

Of course, the implications of this law extend far beyond the bathroom door. Homebuilders and architects will now have to navigate the tricky task of designing gender-neutral bathrooms that accommodate everyone’s unique preferences. Will toilets be separated by curtains or dividers? How many sinks should be provided? Should there be designated spaces for conversation or sharing makeup tips? These pressing questions must be answered to ensure no one feels excluded or uncomfortable in their own home.

The PPP bill is set to take effect next year, giving builders ample time to adjust their plans and adapt to the brave new world of bathroom equality. Experts predict that homeownership costs will skyrocket, as construction companies pass on the additional expenses of installing these gender-neutral bathrooms to potential buyers. But hey, who needs affordable housing when you can bask in the glory of gender-neutral restrooms?

As California pioneers yet another progressive initiative, the rest of the nation watches with bated breath, eagerly anticipating which groundbreaking societal issue the Golden State’s lawmakers will tackle next. Will it be gender-neutral swimming pools or perhaps gender-neutral gardens? Only time will tell. Until then, let’s celebrate the triumph of bathroom equity and marvel at the lengths our elected officials will go to prove their dedication to social justice – one toilet at a time!

Jerome Horwitz

Jerome Horwitz is a Santa Clarita native. His family traces their lineage all the way back to the 1960s when his grandparents moved to the area to start a farm in what is now Castaic Lake. Growing turnips proved unfeasible below water, so they got out of farming and started a donut shop specializing in Bear Claws. Jerome enjoys watching paint dry, and lurking in local Facebook groups.