Santa Clarita – City of Santa Clarita Mayor Bill Miranda announced Thursday morning that the flag at city hall will be lowered to half-staff in anticipation of another tragedy. “Look, these things are occurring at a rapid pace, ok, it just doesn’t make sense for us to raise the flag all the way to the top every day, ok. It’s a time-saving and efficiency thing, ok” said Mayor Miranda at a press conference announcing the decision.

The Santa Clarita Valley has seen an increase in tragedies over the past few months, with that trend expected to continue. City Council maintains a position that the city is “one of the safest cities,” as ranked by various uninformed websites while ignoring all other metrics and refusing to address issues affecting residents of the valley.

Several of the next preventable tragedies are expected to involve the local homeless population, repeat domestic violence offenders, off-duty sheriffs deputies, on-duty sheriffs deputies responding to incidents involving people of color, retired sheriffs deputies encountering something that inconveniences them slightly, that one weird guy from your work, and Dave.

City Manager Ken Striplin has bulk ordered condolence cards to accompany the thoughts and prayers.

Louis Feinberg

Louis Feinberg was born and raised in Santa Clarita. After a brief stint being stuck on the 14 freeway trying to leave, he gave up and now resides in Newhall with his 11 cats. In his free time, he can be found behind Valencia Lanes taste-testing paint for lead.