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SCV Sheriff’s Department Hopes to Cut Crime 90% by Reminding People About Locks

Santa Clarita — Captain Lewis announced a new publicity campaign today, aimed at reminding residents about door locks. “People often forget, almost all doors have locks. Some windows too. Most criminals aren’t able to get past these fortifications, and we want to empower the public with this new information” said Captain Lewis.

According to Lewis, the majority of crime in Santa Clarita is theft from vehicles, porch pirates, and single parents stealing glances while at their kids soccer games. Deputies out on patrol will have copies of brochures explaining the benefits of locking doors, which they will place in vehicles they find unlocked.

One resident, who asked only to be identified as “Jim,” expressed outrage at the new PR campaign, saying “you know, if I don’t lock my door, that’s my business. Frankly it’s too inconvenient for me to lock it every time. And why should I? Why even have deputies out here if they’re not going to bother looking for the iPod stolen from my Honda?”