Santa Clarita — A recent soil test of the Whittaker-Bermite property revealed that it had seven different types of cancer. Jose Diaz, project manager from the California Department of Toxic Substance Control says “I’ve never seen anything like this before. How the hell does dirt get cancer?”

Officials are studying the new findings, and can only speculate as to how the soil managed to become cancerous. “It’s weird, even some of the trees have tumors” said CalTec Northridge Professor Olivia Nguyen, “We can only speculate as to the cause, but the uranium flakes, constant dumping of toxins, and 100 years of munitions manufacturing probably didn’t help.”

Experts are downplaying the impact of the findings, saying there is little to no risk to the surrounding neighborhoods. However, children with multiple legs have been spotted at nearby Golden Valley High School.

SCVAPT Contributor