New SCV Amphitheatre to Host Artists like Jimmy Buffet

Pearl Jam Cover Band "Pearl Jelly"

For the past two years, the City of Santa Clarita has been discussing the feasibility of a 6,000-seat amphitheater to further expand the city’s arts and entertainment scene. However, experts have been expressing concerns that the venue may possibly compete with one of L.A. County’s largest dumping grounds.

“The Chiquita Canyon Landfill is literally about to burst,” said arts and events manager Phil Lantis. “We are in desperate need of another area for Los Angeles to dump their hot garbage.”

This includes the hottest musical waste L.A. has to offer; John Mayer, Pearl Jam and Queen coverbands – all disposable filth that has no place existing amongst a healthy, functioning community.

“These groups are big players in our industry,” said a spokesperson for Chiquita Landfill. “Although there’s enough audible manure in Santa Clarita’s music scene to go around, losing that territory is definitely something we worry about.”

However, if the city can find the perfect place to install an additional refuse heap, it looks like Chiquita may just have to cope. Upon spending approximately $60,000 for a consulting firm to determine potential sites that would best suit their cultural vision, the city determined that former explosives testing area, Whittaker-Bermite, fit that vision perfectly.

“This way, we go from garbage pit to mosh pit,” said Barbara A. Lee, director of the California Department of Toxic Substances Control. “There is a lot of overlap, and with Santa Clarita’s summer temperatures, the fuming corporate pop should reach compostable conditions in no time, without the smell spreading to other areas of the city.”

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