City leaders today announced a unanimous, affirmative vote on a resolution proposed by Councilman Bob Kellar to establish Santa Clarita as a sanctuary city to those who tell an occasional gay joke to not suffer fear of retribution or condemnation. 

“For far too long, we have been unable to tell any gay jokes without the sudden rebuke and condemnation of those within earshot.  It is critically important that all groups feel safe to share their feelings and distinct cultural humor without fear,” said Kellar.  Further, he went on to explain that he had a petition signed by hundreds Santa Clarita residents expressing the need for this resolution.

Upon examination by the City Attorney however, the validity of most, if not all of the names on the petition seemed questionable as the first 10 names were read aloud by City Attorney, Joseph Montes to put them on the official record.  Montes announced: “Willie Fistergash, Amanda Dicke, Anna Bortion, Freida Slaves, Malestia Child, Lucy Stoole, Hugh Janus, Phil Muhrektum, Olive D. Cox and Sharon Needles,” Mr. Kellar had to excuse himself from council chambers as he spit up Diet Snapple on his desk.

Upon Kellar’s return to council chambers, he called for an immediate vote and said the City should consider the possibility that these were real people and to make fun on one’s given name is not in keeping of the values of Santa Clarita or the great state of California.  Reluctantly, the mayor and other councilmembers agreed and voted unanimously for Santa Clarita to become the latest Sanctuary City in California. 

Harry Taintman