Crime, News

Santa Clarita Sheriffs Department Introduces “Do Not Shoot” Registry for Black People

Santa Clarita – In response to a recent incident involving skateboarding youths, Santa Clarita Sheriffs Captain Justin Diez announced today a new program that will help the local Los Angeles County Sheriffs Deputies avoid unpleasant news cycles and potentially ending life of innocent persons for being black. “We’re proud of this new program, it will allow our local black residents to sign up and put themselves on a ‘Do Not Shoot’ registry. They’ll get a full background, criminal, and credit check. Once they pass a drug test, they’ll be on our ‘Do Not Shoot’ list, where they’ll be given a sticker for their car and an orange shirt to wear in public. We think this will help keep our deputies out of the news.”

Councilman Bob Kellar expressed enthusiasm for the program saying, “Folks, this is what it’s all about. Finally, a means to find out who the ‘good’ coloreds are. Now if they would just expand it to cover the different types of Mexicans, we’d be cooking with gas.”

Police departments nationwide have come under intense scrutiny over the last few months, as persons of color protest and demand an end to police brutality, racial profiling, and expansion of programs designed to facilitate peaceful resolutions to otherwise deadly situations. Local Kyle’s and Karen’s insist the “Black Lives Matter” movement is racist, and frequently tell protesters that “they have nothing to fear if they’ve done nothing wrong.” Breonna Taylor could not be reached for comment at the time this story was published.