Mayor Smyth Announces First Round of Sacrifices to Appease Coronavirus

Santa Clarita – Mayor Cameron Smyth announced Wednesday morning the plan to prematurely “open up” Santa Clarita, in an effort to stem the tide of emails from an angry minority. “The first round of sacrifices will be the elderly, people with autoimmune disorders, and other vulnerable populations” said Smyth in a statement, “We hope this appeases the Coronavirus gods, and they show mercy on our economy.”

Angry Karens have been attending Rallies for Congresspilot Mike Garcia, holding signs saying “Re open Santa Clarita,” and “god hates gays,” in an effort to bring attention to their plight. “Why should I be slightly inconvenienced just because of some ‘FAKE NEWS’ faux virus PLANdemic?” shouted one Karen at an hourly worker trying to avoid the crowd on their way to work. The Rally-goers, largely comprised of retirees that only leave the house to attend rallies, expressed their frustration at being told to stay home.

Mayor Smyth says his inbox has been inundated with emails, predominantly in comic-sans, demanding the city be reopened. “It’s frustrating to hear that notification every few minutes, from people all over the country demanding we end the safer at home orders,” said Smyth, “How am I to know when it’s one of their emails, or the Amazon notification saying my Whey has been shipped? What kind of life is that?”

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